Surviving Kingston

Heck of a lot to talk about in tomorrow’s scheduled post.  Nights out in Brixton and days out in Acton. Bet you can’t wait. Anyway, in the meantime, here’s how you survive Saturday night in Kingston-Upon-Thames.bentalls-2

Kingston is quite an expensive place to live in, but due to the fact that it’s one of the best shopping centres in West London (I haven’t visited that big new one yet, but fellow blogger Sinan informs me that it “democratises luxury,” not his words), has a lot of pubs and clubs and is well served by public transport, it becomes about the most chav-heavy place in West London every Saturday night.

I know several people who have been beaten up there, and on the one and only occasion when I’ve been involved in a fight I was near Kingston Bridge. I didn’t actually realise it was a fight, I was just trying to stop the guy hitting me. Have to admit I was pretty lashed at the time, one of my friends fancied the girl who was selling vodka shots in the club and so kept buying us rounds. But I digress.

As a general rule, if someone suggests a night out in Kingston, unless it’s out of the town centre (the Cocoanut is a good pub out of the town centre), I will turn them down. And if I’m going home late on Saturday, I try to avoid passing through Kingston if at all possible. If I do have to, there are certain tips that make survival more likely, and these I present to you here.

1. They rarely move any faster than a brisk stagger, so can usually be outrun.

2. Remember: an open area is a safe area. A street with lots of turns and few obstacles will allow for a quick escape. A narrow alley, on the other hand, presents the possibility of your being cornered.

3.  The main weapon at the chav’s disposal, knives aside, is numbers. Steer clear of crowded spaces.

4. Do not be afraid to shoot them if you have to, but if you do, remember that you must remove the head or destroy the brain.

5. Your weapon of choice should be the basic shotgun and a careful aim, although do not underestimate the shock value of a well-placed landmine.

6. If one of your party should be bitten, you have no choice but to execute them. Remember, you’re doing them a favour in the long run.nightzombies3

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1 Comment

Filed under Crime, Kingston, London

One response to “Surviving Kingston

  1. Pingback: The marriage of heron and hell | London Particulars

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