So you’re thinking of deliberately giving yourself swine flu?

I notice that quite a few people seem to be organising “swine flu parties” in the mistaken belief that swine flu is like chicken pox. I suppose they’re both named after farm animals, so maybe that’s where it comes from. In any case, I’m not a huge fan of parties themed around mucus.

Let me put this quite simply. You know how we’re trying to avoid a pandemic, because swine flu in its present form is quite dangerous? It’s not just regular flu, it’s influenza with a far higher risk of complications. It can kill perfectly healthy people. Do you see how actually giving yourself the disease is fucking stupid?

– Trying to keep your job by insulting your boss repeatedly so he/she will get used to it and won’t fire you.
– Crash-proofing yourself by repeatedly driving into a wall in the hopes that your skull will naturally thicken.

The argument seems to be that it might mutate later, so better to get the disease now. Let me explain the process of mutation. Mutation occurs randomly between generations. The more a species breeds, the more likely it is that mutations will arise. The more people have the virus, the more breeding the virus will do. Increased immunity to the regular virus will make mutations more likely to thrive. So basically, by deliberately infecting yourself (and accidentally infecting others around you, you fucking jerk), you’re actually making it more likely that a worse strain will arise. So thanks for that.

As an additional point, though, one of the reasons we’re trying to avoid a pandemic is because of the risk that the health service will be overwhelmed. The more people have the virus, the less likely it is that we’ll be able to treat it.

If you’re really determined to use stupid measures to deal with swine flu, here are some that won’t endanger society as a whole.

1. Immerse yourself in boiling water at the end of each day, taking care to swallow as much as you can and also, if you can, to inhale some of it. This should kill most, if not all, germs in your system.
2. Amputate anything you can do without. This will give the virus less to work on.
3. If you think you have been infected, fire a gun wildly into your own body to scare the virus away.

In fact, I’m going to start a campaign.



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Filed under Current events, Medicine, Only loosely about London

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