I suppose, with this belated entry (sorry, I was drunk), I should really talk about the Royal Wedding. That’s been the big topic lately (although now Bin Laden’s dead, I suppose that’s going to take over), and it’s indisputably a “London thing.”
Actually, I wasn’t going to talk about it, because frankly what angle could I take? I’m pretty neutral on the issue as a whole. Not really excited enough to go on about how great it is, how radiant Kate looks, &c, &c, but at the same time not cynical enough to grunt about how I give them ten years or whatever. Still, it’s nice to have a bank holiday, I suppose.
It was while taking the night bus through Westminster in the small hours of Friday morning, seeing all the folk camped out with their flags and Union Jack outfits, that it hit me – I could do one of those running commentary-type things! And so here is my failed attempt at doing just that.
4.30 – The London Eye’s been lit up in red, white and blue. That’s nice.
5.30 – I think I’ll go to bed. Set the alarm to wake me up for the actual event, though.
10.45 – Alarm goes off unnoticed.
11.10 – I wake up, go on the BBC website and begin watching.
11.13 – I don’t like William’s outfit. I just think some people can carry red off, and I don’t think he can.
11.20 – Not much happening. A hymn or something?
11.40 – Oh for God’s sake get on with it.
11.48 – ‘Jerusalem.’ Everyone likes ‘Jerusalem.’
11.50 – I notice a guy in the congregation with an amazing moustache.
11.52 – Big exciting fanfare thing and National Anthem. Can we do something about the National Anthem? It’s okay, but I just think we can do better. It’s dreary, is what I’m saying. We could replace it with ‘Jerusalem’ or something.
11.53 – Does the Queen feel awkward during the National Anthem? I think I would if everyone was singing about me, especially as the only one not singing.
11.55 – Looks like I missed the actual vows. Oh well.
12.01 – Ha, those guys have got mops on their heads. This hymn is boring and I can’t hear any of the words.
12.05 – Oop, look sharp, they’re coming out of Edward the Confessor’s shrine. Probably being told about the Illuminati and the Secret World Government.
12.06 – Why was he called “Edward the Confessor,” anyway?
12.07 – Walking down the aisle. Prince William gives a cheeky grin.
12.09 – Internet connection goes down.
12.11 – Internet connection back up. The happy couple are in a pram of some sort.
12.17 – “1902 State landau” has been said 508 times.
12.20 – They’d get there quicker if they took a car.
12.29 – I think that’s it. Wait, no, they’re at the Palace. They are at the Palace! Okay. Is that it?
12.47 – We’re looking at a balcony.
12.50 – The BBC reporters are going around talking to ordinary folks, partly to justify this immense expenditure and partly because there’s bugger-all else happening.
13.24 – Here come some planes!
13.26 – Ah, now they’re on the balcony. And can I just say how lovely it is to finally have an attractive Royal once again?
13.29 – Commentary from the Lancaster bomber goes wrong. If I were the reporter, I’d try to make up for it by riding a bomb into St James’ Park.
13.40 – It’s over. What’s for lunch? Something dreadful, no doubt.